And Everything Went Black
I had my very own adoption tailspin yesterday.
A girl I’ve become pretty friendly with and I were talking about our kids. Her oldest is quite similar to Bean, personality-wise, and we were laughing a little, comparing tantrum notes, when she unexpectedly made a joke about adopting her next kid so she could pick a nice compliant one.
Yeah.
My head spun.
I think I managed a weak chuckle and then pretended I had to attend to something else right away. Didn’t speak up. Didn’t say anything, really, because what would I say? This girl isn’t actually planning to adopt. She didn’t mean anything malicious by it, and I am serious about that; she has a kind heart and is nice to everyone. I feel like an ogre next to her most days. Nobody here knows about K, and I certainly didn’t feel like outing myself yesterday to someone new for a teaching moment.
So, again, I let it slide. As Nicole said once, I just swallowed my own pain.
Then I paid for it all night long, with stomach cramps and intense, crawling anxiety that made me unable to do much of anything except hold Bean in my lap while he watched “Monsters, Inc.” When I went to sleep, my nightmares were full of stores where babies lay under plastic wrap and I was forced to exchange Bean for a “more compliant” model, while K cried and begged me not to leave him there.
It seems so funny now that I once proudly proclaimed that I was “110% fine” with adoption. When it is incredibly, painfully obvious that one offhand comment has sent me into a yawning pit of despair, and I am anything but FINE.
Oh Coco, how awful.
Yeah, I imagine that was like a punch in the gut.
And this isn’t nearly the point of your post, but adopting a kid doesn’t guarantee a compliant one — look at mine!! Of course, I didn’t pick him out from a store or anything! The misconceptions people have about adoption are LEGION!!
I’m really sorry you had to go through that and then went into The Pit of Despair afterwards. *hugs*
Yes, Judy, you’re right. I think many people still (most innocently, or at least ignorantly) think of adoption as some kind of baby-shopping, where they appear in a cabbage patch and you can mold them into whatever little person you like.
When in reality, the personalities of ALL babies are already hard-wired, to a great degree. Not that environment means nothing, just that you can’t change who a person fundamentally is, as far as temperament, tastes, natural talents…it’s so complicated. I was as guilty of thinking I could do it as anyone, with both kids, albeit in different ways.
I guess I just wasn’t prepared for how hard this type of thing would sucker-punch me. It’s still got me reeling.
I would have looked at that woman like she was totally insane. Our 3 have their own minds already, especially little man at 16 months old. Compliance is last on their list of personality traits.
People make all kinds of dumb comments. Someone told me awhile back that they didn’t want to adopt because they wanted to have “their own kids”, while I had one of my kids in my arms.
Umm DUH!
Oh Coco, hugs to you. That was a really insensitive comment by that woman, though most likely out of ignorance. I’m sorry it triggered such a visceral reaction in you, but it’s only natural. Regardless of how many years ago, that’s a pretty traumatic thing you went through. I think being (painfully) aware of our emotional reaction to some things is half the work towards getting over them. I hope you feel better soon.
the personalities of ALL babies are already hard-wired, to a great degree.
Yes, absolutely! Nate was young — 4 months old when we adopted him back in 2002. And he definitely had a strong personality even back then!
I just get this image of ordering something online, or placing an order like you do with a restaurant:
“I’d like a child, medium-complaint, but with a bit of spunk . . . . . assertiveness on the side that we can instill as he/she gets older.”
Sheesh!!