Wanted: Baby
It just doesn’t sit well with me.
I cannot, I will not, ever be able to smile and say I agree with placing a classified ad to “search” for a child to adopt. The same goes for online ads, the Myspace profiles, the glossy, professionally printed profiles mailed to OB/GYN offices or clinics in low-income areas.
I picked up the “Nifty Nickel” some time ago and I almost felt sick when I saw that there were indeed ads from hopeful adoptive parents, asking expectant parents to call them. The “Nifty Nickel”, home of the free ad for your garage sale. Nice. The ads alternately cajole and critique, spelling out the basic terms of the “deal”:
“We’ll pay living expenses.”
“Loving Christian home for your baby!”
“Call our lawyer toll-free.”
“Healthy newborn wanted. Medical testing and care at no cost to you.”
It just seems so desperate and sad for everyone.
For the waiting adoptive parents, that they feel OK with this method. Yes, I know. After years of possible infertility, possible failed matches, heartache after heartache, I know you FEEL desperate. I know you want to use all your resources. I know many of these people, most of them, even, may truly mean well. They’re just trying to follow the networking advice given so freely by agencies, lawyers, other adoptive parents. “We met ‘our’ birth mom by placing an ad! It only took 6 weeks!” But I still can’t accept these ads as a good idea. There must be a better way.
For the expectant parents, that they look at these ads and some of them may say “here is the answer for me”. Yes, I know. I know that it’s each woman’s choice and many women do not trust agencies or lawyers or anyone else. They want to deal directly with the couple/person. They want plans in place. They want to totally call the shots and this may seem like the way. But bypassing everyone else, and dealing mainly with a couple (or person) who inherently has a bias, a larger bias than anyone, in the relationship, a vested interest in your child, and essentially making them your primary support system is tough. Too tough for most, I’d venture to say. While you’re pregnant, you’re the star, but what happens next? You only “call the shots” until those papers are signed, the same as everyone else.
Lastly, I feel this almost unbearable sadness when I think of the child who is adopted into a family this way, and later asks “How did you all meet? How did I get here?” What then? Do you proudly reveal that your child was, well, “found” between the washers and stereos and Fords? The help-wanted ads? The puppies free to a good home? How can that make a child feel valued and loved? HOW?
I cannot help disliking it, though I know those who have used this method would argue that it’s not the same, their ads searching for a possible birth mother versus other types of ads; would defend their ideals to the last, would bash me for questioning this method of helping to move their adoption dreams forward, and bitterly accuse me of judging them when I “haven’t been there”.
But I have, you see. I know what it’s like to long for a child with all your heart and not have one.
I placed my firstborn in the arms of strangers (kind and loving as they were to end up being to me, they were still strangers then, after all) and entrusted them with her precious life. Years later, struggling with unexplained infertility, second-guessing whether I even deserved to be a mom, I longed and hoped and waited. Knowing that there were, and are, people out there who still think that because I am a first mother, because I “gave my baby away”, I do NOT deserve the luxury of motherhood. Sometimes, late at night, wondering if they were right. Wondering if I was being judged and found wanting.
I felt the silent pain grip me at baby shower after baby shower that wasn’t for me, while I smiled and waited for “my turn”. I cried at every episode of “A Baby Story” that I tortured myself with, wondering “Why not me?” And secretly suspecting I was being punished, that was why, that I had been given a chance and thrown it away.
I charted and counted and checked fluids (Ew). Finally, success! But, oh, too soon I felt my heart shatter when our doctor turned off the ultrasound monitor and quietly told us there was no more heartbeat at 8 weeks of pregnancy. That was five years ago. I still remember how badly I hurt.
I took test after test (again) after that; HSG, ultrasound, ovulation kits, pregnancy tests…and waited, hope growing fainter every failed month. I counted and charted again. I cried every time my period showed up, and I was a wreck for a week, until I started back up the hope roller coaster as ovulation approached. I drove my husband crazy. My marriage suffered.
Finally, convinced I was being “sent a sign” of some sort, I threw myself into adoption. Paperwork, fingerprints, parenting classes, the indignity of the “autobiography” questioning everything from my teenaged dating activities on up to my sex life with my husband. Waiting. Hoping. Being put in contact with an expectant mom and enduring those awkward meetings, trying to put aside my feeling that something wasn’t right, hoping we were “the ones”. Feeling guilty for wanting to be “the ones”.
Then not having my hesitant, carefully worded phone calls returned. Hearing conflicting information. Deciding she simply didn’t deserve any kind of pressure from us, and we couldn’t live with waiting for an answer from her. Walking away. Deciding never to endure another pre-birth “match” again, which is what we should have done all along. Back to waiting. More baby showers for friends. An empty room that should have been a nursery. An empty space in my heart.
After all of that, yes, I got pregnant again, and this time, we got lucky. I stayed pregnant, and Bean is every bit the blessing I wished for. But don’t tell me I don’t know how that desperate emptiness feels, because I do. I know all too well. For those 3 years, I was infertile, I went through that hell.
And still, STILL, if this miracle had never happened, if we had endured a dozen “possible adoption situations” falling through, I could never place one of those ads. I could never answer one. I’m sorry, but I just don’t think “advertising” for a baby is the right way to go about it.
Let me explain a little further. There are good, solid families out there who have been formed through this method. Maybe they would ask me, hurt and angry, “What about us? Are you saying that our family is ‘a mistake’? We would never have had this child if it wasn’t for that ad. We love him (her) with all our heart. How can you say this is wrong? This is OUR CHILD.”
Well. I do try to see things from the other side, so I thought some more about this. So let me say that I’m NOT advocating for breaking up families who meet through ads. I have no radical agenda to prosecute papers who run the ads. I am not saying it’s causing the end of the world. And, if your family was formed that way, and you’re holding up your end of whatever promises you made, and the first parents are too, and you love your child with all your heart, and you’re sure it was meant to be this way, and the ad was what brought you all together, I’m not arguing with you.
But I still don’t agree with the ads.
I am a big believer that things happen for a reason, too. But…and this is a big BUT…I think our own choices influence the pathway of our lives more than some fickle fate, or predestiny, or what have you. So no, I don’t believe, for example, that there is ONE child out there waiting to join a certain family, at a certain time, and if that situation doesn’t connect, for whatever reason, then all is lost.
I’ve said before that hindsight is a tricky thing. And it is. It can help you see clearly, or it can blur your vision. Many times, it’s impossible to tell which is occurring. So if you look at your life now and you say “This is the child I was meant to have; no other child would do.” then OF COURSE, at this point, that is exactly true. But a year before the child joined your family, you really had no idea, right? Six months, two months, maybe even 24 hours before…you had no idea of this impending miracle. We’re all psychic after the fact, I’ve found. I see “signs” everywhere when a wonderful, or even a terrible, event occurs in my life. “Look what happened last week…” I’ll say to myself, “I ate fish and then I got an award at work. FATE!” Yes, it’s a silly example, but how many times do we look back at everyday things and say “Aha! I see the mysterious connection now.” When, if the big event didn’t happen, it would just be everyday stuff. Because WE’RE connecting it to what we wanted (or didn’t want) to happen, it suddenly takes on mystic importance. I’m not being flippant. We all reinforce these big events. I think it’s what helps us build bonds. It helps us cope when things don’t go well, too. It’s comforting and natural.
So let’s say you make a different choice. You take that ad out of the paper. Or you never run it in the first place. Life takes a turn down a different road. The child you can’t imagine life without NOW is not on your life timeline anymore. If you had made a single different choice, your lives would have diverged. AND YOU WOULD HAVE NO IDEA. So you can’t miss this unrealized portion of your life that will never exist, because you will never know. That’s why, I firmly believe, humans can’t see the future, or the possible futures, to be more accurate. It would overwhelm us to see all of the “might have beens” and “may happens”. We would be paralyzed with fear and indecision.
But I digress…back to my point.
Six months later, theoretically, another child joins your family. A completely different situation, which comes about not through advertising, but maybe through DCFS, or an agency. And THIS child becomes part of your life, the largest part, the missing piece. So you find connections in everyday things to reinforce to you that THIS child is the one who was meant to be. And no other child would do. It might be 180 degrees from the life you know now (but wouldn’t know in this possible future), yet would be no less valid or wonderful to you.
I know this is all abstract. I know some people would still, angrily, tell me to shove it. To those folks, well, OK. You don’t have to like what I’m saying, and you can tell me I don’t know anything about YOUR family. Which is true. And agencies and churches and every other method of making that connection have flaws as well. Enormous flaws, in some cases. So do I have the perfect answer, the perfect counter to ads? No. But unregulated and unrestricted adoption advertising is a glaring flaw, in my opinion, that could easily be removed from the equation. You want to fix adoption as it stands? Start here. Let’s be more careful about what we allow in print or online.
I’m not trying to devalue the bonds that are made already…just examining the idea that this one choice you make, to put in an ad, may indeed get you a child. A wonderful child. All may be well. You may have proceeded as ethically as possible, you may have a wonderful open adoption, you may be going above and beyond in every way. If so, I’m glad. I’m not targeting any specific family, despite the fact that my ideas may make your hackles rise. But the happy endings some families experience don’t negate the inherent problems in this method, to me.
So, without that ad, things would have been different, sure. But adoption isn’t going to collapse without the ads; your family would still grow. In a different way, in a different time, but a child would still be there, eventually. And it would be just as “meant to be”. Without being advertised in the “Nifty Nickel”.
Why isnt advertising for a baby not considered as gross and illegal as it would be to put one up for sale? How is that any different? Seems to be two sides of the same coin to me. Equally distasteful and considered human trafficking, no?
thanks for sharing your infertility story. Coco.
I don’t like the ads, either, but in hindsight, when we adopted, I was surprised when our agency didn’t “network” that way. I just assumed that’s how it all worked and never really gave it much of a thought. I think about it very differently now that I’ve mulled in the adoption world a while.
I don’t know, Suz. That’s an interesting point. Expectant mothers who placed ads saying something like “Drug free, healthy infant available to couples who agree to my terms” would be reviled and probably arrested, if the paper/service even agreed to run the ad.
Food for thought, for sure.
M2R -
I thought it was important to share that part of my story. Infertility is difficult and painful, regardless of the outcome.
Also, I’m not surprised that you thought advertising was the normal way to approach adoption when you first began. The entire networking thing is a common thread for adoption agencies and literature. It has become the norm for people to be told to “get out there and look for a baby!”, which I find very sad.
Josh pointed out a recent ad in our local daily. I almost called the number because I was so outraged. (Of note: I was pregnant and overly hormonal/emotional.) I didn’t because it wouldn’t have accomplished anything more than painting birth mothers as “unstable.”
All that said, Suz poses an interesting point. So tired of the double standards.
Thought provoking post, Coco.
My first reaction is complete agreement. Placing ads is tacky and would seem to reduce a child to second-hand popcorn popper status, and you put that perfectly.
Dawning, however, is the realization that many happy couples now find each other this way, and with marriages based on classified ads and such many are finding this method of introduction the modern version of whatever old fashioned way worked in the past. That, I’m guessing, tends to remove some of the stigma, the tackiness, for some. (If a couple met via MySpace, would adopting the same way feel like following family tradition?)
I have heard hopeful adoptive parents voice thoughts over the remote possibilty that someone in crisis would stumple across an ad and choose to follow that thread rather than abandon a child dangerously or take other actions we all hear about far too often in gruesome headlines. The “safe haven” issue comes into play here, and although it is strongly indicated that abandonment and infanticide are not choices made by those rational enough to look for other options, I don’t doubt that those longing for a child will feel it just might be worth a shot.
A woman in crisis taking the situation in hand herself should be an option, but putting herself at the mercy of those whose agenda is so obviously not hers is such a danger.
Once again, I suppose, it’s education and information all the way around that is the only part of an answer we have access to at this time. You’ve done a great job with that here.
The ads to me are just so tasteless. I mean ethically, a girl calls that number and what? she’s in a crisis and gets talked into placing her child?? I suppose this couple at home that placed the ad is going to give her TONS of resources for counseling and make sure that her rights are given to her throughout the process? I don’t know, it just seems there are a LOT of opportunities for unethical practices to taint the entire process….
As for safe Haven, as someone that UTILIZED safe haven, I can tell you I wouldn’t have just up and called an ad in the Nifty Nickel, nor any other newspaper publication either.
And I second the fact, and want to reiterate, that those of us that use safe haven would NOT turn to infanticide or abandonment.
FireMom – (((HUGS))) Last time I ran across an ad on Craigslist, I nearly called the number listed myself. However, like you, I knew it would do no good. I did report it as inappropriate. Recently I checked again and I can’t find it. That was encouraging.
Sandra – Your analogy to online and print ads bringing couples together was intriguing. I struggled a bit to articulate why I feel that those types of services are on a different level, though. The best I can do is that online/print dating services exist between two adult parties that have equal say in the matter. I know in this era, two people who are dating are likely to already have one or more children between them who’d be affected, but it still doesn’t seem to be the same level of intensity to me as advertising for adoption. Also, it’s often true in these adoption situations that the resources available are strongly in favor of the hopeful adoptive family, and that the resources for the expectant mother are often selected/suggested and paid for by them as well, which creates another issue, to me. Does that make sense? I know it was wordy.
I do agree with your assessment that hopeful adoptive parents may view it as a way to connect with someone who might otherwise consider a “desperate act”. Sadly, like you also noted, that connection isn’t really proven; people who murder or dispose of their babies do not typically look for other options, from what I’ve read. I feel that the possible connection between the two is many times a part of the networking advice so freely given, and so I don’t necessarily fault individuals who think in those terms.
We also agree on the need for more education for everyone involved. It’s really the foundation of advancement and change, as far as I’m concerned. I wish I had more of an idea how to go about it without scaring people away from me.
TGM – Yes, exactly. That’s the issue I mentioned above. The resources are more in favor of one party, and even when they are offered to the expectant parent(s) with the best of intentions, I think it creates another imbalance, another sense of duty and inferiority.
And (((HUGS))) to you, too.
Coco,
I was in no way suggesting that ad- or Internet-built families should be the wave of the future … the whole idea of intimate relationships relying on such impersonal, contrived and financially-motivated sources seems a sad statement on the state of today’s world … but only that those adults who looked and found might be likely to accept the method as more viable, and less tacky, than others who view the entire concept negatively. I agree that adults going through such a process mutually is a completely different kettle of fish than any involving a child as part of the “prize”.
As for scaring people away, it seems many of us who are passionate can tend to frighten off all but the choir that doesn’t need any preaching to, but if we can agree to agree when we agree, which happens more often that many would guess, others might listen.
Sandra – I didn’t get that from you at all. Really. I understood what you’d said and tried to articulate it another way…not intending to say you’d seen it as a “new wave”. I’m sorry if that’s how it read. If my reply seemed unapproachable, it wasn’t meant to be.
Anyway, what I want to say is: I think we can talk. Don’t you? Really, I mean it.
I’m crackin’ up here, Coco!
I didn’t mean to indicate that you meant to indicate anything unapproachable, but just to reinerate our agreement … which is a pretty graphic example of just how pitifully eggshell-ridden our little corner of the world is.
Talk? Yes, of course! Talk and listen and hear and exchange and educate and mutually contribute and combine efforts and … well, there’s no telling what can be accomplished, but assuredly a hell of a lot more than if we all keep on with the harping and bitching and back-biting, for all the snarky fun it might be.
I don’t know if you’ve been following the discussion with Gershom on my blog, but it seems she and I have struck an accord that is aimed at participation toward the Adoptee Rights Protest in July. We’re figuring that if we can make nice, and encourage others to do the same on this one issue … not taking on the whole spectrum, as I think too many of us would blow an artery trying to contain ourselves across the board … progress can be made and better and more productive habits might be created.
I’m spending the rest of my weekend following her leads toward information on open records and adoptee rights to bring myself up to speed, and I’m encouraging readers to do the same.
How cool would it be if the “adoption community” could present a large enough cooperative contingent to change the culture to the point that it would be guaranteed that those coming to adoption from any direction would be armed with all the information there is about ethics and rights and choices and support, would know what questions to ask and to demand answers, the truth about the financial considerations, and so much more? This seems a possible future if we stop chopping ourselves into little segments that try to chew up all the other little segments.
Sorry … didn’t mean to get carried away, but I’m feeling very hopeful and excited about the prospects of some real shifts right now.
Coco, I dug out our adoption info binder and looked up my notes from when we were researching the various options available as prospective adoptive parents. Regarding newspaper advertising, many papers will not run adoption ads at all, and those that will take them have many restrictions. (For example, requirements to run an ad included proof of completed, approved homestudy, letter from one’s adoption attorney…) There were also limits/restrictions on what could be said in the ad, which seems mostly to pertain to the financial compensation part, as well as language that was forbidden. Additionally, newspaper advertising is prohibited in many states, beyond the paper’s own rules and regs.
Granted, this info is now going on six years old, but I’d be willing to bet that such restrictions/regulations still exist, even if they aren’t nationwide.
Not that this makes adoption advertising any more right or wrong, just wanted to put it out there that it isn’t as easy as calling up a paper and running whatever the heck one would want to say, the way one can to advertise for a washing machine or a threesome or a used car…
That’s interesting, Heather. I know the ads are not legal here, for example, but I keep running across them. The last one, on Craigslist, didn’t mention any compensation, but directed expectant mothers to call a lawyer. I’d guess that a majority of people who use the ads are doing private adoptions.
My agency also stressed that the ads were illegal here, but then in the next breath, showed us profiles that other couples had left in doctor’s offices and mentioned bringing candy to Planned Parenthood offices along with brochures to pass out to pregnant women.
It’s a tough call, I agree, to say what people should be able to do in the name of promoting adoption, but some of these tactics are just…well, not right.
Candy and brochures at Planned Parenthood??
Wow.
It’s things like this that just amaze me when people claim that there isn’t any level of coercion in adoption “these days” and that women that place make the decision completely on their own…
I mean candy?? I guess it’s like taking candy to give a baby…classy.
Coco- I think I started reading this post about 4-5 times. (GRRR to interuptions!) WELL WRITTEN!
These ads have always left stomach acid in the back of my throat! YUCK!!
What an interesting line of comments too.
Again-another great post.
I completely agree, Coco. It does seem tacky. I also see problems with it on another level. Those of us involved in adoption are not the only ones who read those ads. Not only would advertising to compensate birthmothers perpetuate the idea of “baby buying,” offering to pay things like living expenses in such a public forum leaves prospective adoptive parents open to scammers. Sadly, there are plenty of people out there who are willing to pretend to be pregnant and willing to place just to get a free ride. Adds like that are just asking to be taken advantage of.
Totally agree as well, the pasting in forums the ads in papers, I’m surprised I haven’t seen one of those big billboards on the HWY when you’re driving you know? They bother me, upset me, make me feel like a commodity. icky feelings all around them.