Wow.

It’s things like this that just amaze me when people claim that there isn’t any level of coercion in adoption “these days” and that women that place make the decision completely on their own…

I mean candy?? I guess it’s like taking candy to give a baby…classy.

My agency also stressed that the ads were illegal here, but then in the next breath, showed us profiles that other couples had left in doctor’s offices and mentioned bringing candy to Planned Parenthood offices along with brochures to pass out to pregnant women.

It’s a tough call, I agree, to say what people should be able to do in the name of promoting adoption, but some of these tactics are just…well, not right.

Granted, this info is now going on six years old, but I’d be willing to bet that such restrictions/regulations still exist, even if they aren’t nationwide.

Not that this makes adoption advertising any more right or wrong, just wanted to put it out there that it isn’t as easy as calling up a paper and running whatever the heck one would want to say, the way one can to advertise for a washing machine or a threesome or a used car…

I didn’t mean to indicate that you meant to indicate anything unapproachable, but just to reinerate our agreement … which is a pretty graphic example of just how pitifully eggshell-ridden our little corner of the world is.

Talk? Yes, of course! Talk and listen and hear and exchange and educate and mutually contribute and combine efforts and … well, there’s no telling what can be accomplished, but assuredly a hell of a lot more than if we all keep on with the harping and bitching and back-biting, for all the snarky fun it might be.

I don’t know if you’ve been following the discussion with Gershom on my blog, but it seems she and I have struck an accord that is aimed at participation toward the Adoptee Rights Protest in July. We’re figuring that if we can make nice, and encourage others to do the same on this one issue … not taking on the whole spectrum, as I think too many of us would blow an artery trying to contain ourselves across the board … progress can be made and better and more productive habits might be created.

I’m spending the rest of my weekend following her leads toward information on open records and adoptee rights to bring myself up to speed, and I’m encouraging readers to do the same.

How cool would it be if the “adoption community” could present a large enough cooperative contingent to change the culture to the point that it would be guaranteed that those coming to adoption from any direction would be armed with all the information there is about ethics and rights and choices and support, would know what questions to ask and to demand answers, the truth about the financial considerations, and so much more? This seems a possible future if we stop chopping ourselves into little segments that try to chew up all the other little segments.

Sorry … didn’t mean to get carried away, but I’m feeling very hopeful and excited about the prospects of some real shifts right now.

Anyway, what I want to say is: I think we can talk. Don’t you? Really, I mean it.

I was in no way suggesting that ad- or Internet-built families should be the wave of the future … the whole idea of intimate relationships relying on such impersonal, contrived and financially-motivated sources seems a sad statement on the state of today’s world … but only that those adults who looked and found might be likely to accept the method as more viable, and less tacky, than others who view the entire concept negatively. I agree that adults going through such a process mutually is a completely different kettle of fish than any involving a child as part of the “prize”.

As for scaring people away, it seems many of us who are passionate can tend to frighten off all but the choir that doesn’t need any preaching to, but if we can agree to agree when we agree, which happens more often that many would guess, others might listen.

Sandra – Your analogy to online and print ads bringing couples together was intriguing. I struggled a bit to articulate why I feel that those types of services are on a different level, though. The best I can do is that online/print dating services exist between two adult parties that have equal say in the matter. I know in this era, two people who are dating are likely to already have one or more children between them who’d be affected, but it still doesn’t seem to be the same level of intensity to me as advertising for adoption. Also, it’s often true in these adoption situations that the resources available are strongly in favor of the hopeful adoptive family, and that the resources for the expectant mother are often selected/suggested and paid for by them as well, which creates another issue, to me. Does that make sense? I know it was wordy.

I do agree with your assessment that hopeful adoptive parents may view it as a way to connect with someone who might otherwise consider a “desperate act”. Sadly, like you also noted, that connection isn’t really proven; people who murder or dispose of their babies do not typically look for other options, from what I’ve read. I feel that the possible connection between the two is many times a part of the networking advice so freely given, and so I don’t necessarily fault individuals who think in those terms.

We also agree on the need for more education for everyone involved. It’s really the foundation of advancement and change, as far as I’m concerned. I wish I had more of an idea how to go about it without scaring people away from me.

TGM – Yes, exactly. That’s the issue I mentioned above. The resources are more in favor of one party, and even when they are offered to the expectant parent(s) with the best of intentions, I think it creates another imbalance, another sense of duty and inferiority.

And (((HUGS))) to you, too.