Once on a forum discussion, another first mom (and I forget who now, so if it was you, give me a heads up, please) said something that, at the time, I found hard to believe. She said that agencies loved to have “good birth mothers” come to speak on their panels to hopeful adoptive parents, but that eventually, every single one stopped getting invited. Why? Because eventually, every single one stopped being able to toe the party line, and agencies don’t like people raining on their parade of joyfulness by saying honest bitter, angry things like “I regret this” or “I feel I made a mistake” or “adoption is causing me continued pain”.
I remember thinking “Well, my agency is certainly not like that! Look at me! I’m still speaking on panels.”
Then I got pregnant.
Then my feelings took a huge slam-dunk into conflicted, confused, guilty, sad, and painful. I started reexamining the reasons behind my decision those many years ago. I started considering how the adoption affected K., Bean, and would affect any future children I had, rather than simply thinking of it as a one time event that was long over.
The last time I spoke on a panel discussion, I admit I wasn’t lighthearted and cheery. But I was still trying to reach out. When I spoke about my daughter’s birth, I talked about how hard it was to be pregnant this time, because there were so many new emotions surrounding this child, how I felt conflicted because I felt I’d shortchanged her, in a way. I wasn’t accusing anyone, I was trying to talk about something that was real, something that was happening to me, something life-altering that had occurred years after I thought the emotions surrounding K’s adoption were long since processed. I wasn’t screaming or angry, I was sobbing. I was sad. I was trying to make sense of it.
There was more than one teary eye in the audience when I was finished. I thought it had gone very well. I thought I’d made a breakthrough. I thought people maybe understood a little better.
More than two years later, guess who’s never been invited back? Right. Me.
At first I wanted to think it was a coincidence. Lately, however, I’m less sure. After all, while I was the poster child “good birth mother”, I was invited to everything…but as soon as I expressed some regret, I dropped off the radar. Poof.
To tell you the truth, I found some relief in it for a time. I had run out of energy to educate, to inform, to spill my guts for hours to strangers. On the other hand, I am disheartened, though not surprised, that agencies are still, still deliberately excluding an entire piece of the adoption puzzle by turning a deaf ear to stories of pain. Why? Because it makes someone uncomfortable? Because it might make someone question the idea that adoption is win-win-win in 100% of the cases? Because if they admit that even under the best of circumstances, adoption can cause ongoing pain, that introduces the idea that adoption might have not been the right choice for some of the first parents and adoptees involved?
I’ve said before that I accept responsibility for my decision. It was my decision. However, it has caused me lasting damage. It has affected my family by separating my children. It has created anxiety and overprotective parenting tendencies in me. Regardless of the circumstances, the outcome is the same. The scars are still there. I can and do deal with these things, I can overcome many of the symptoms, I can appreciate the happiness in time together, I can value and love and respect my daughter’s family, but the pain is always there.
Ignoring me, and people like me, and especially people who have it worse than me, does not make it go away. We are not a few angry and disturbed people who are trying to ruin adoption because we’re mean. We are real people, your mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, and neighbors living with lifelong repercussions of a system that only tolerates us as long as we smile and say everything is fine. We are struggling to be heard in a society that still views us as “fallen women”. It is incredibly hard and lonely to keep putting ourselves out there, day after day, knowing that there are people who are reading these thoughts and scoffing at them, at us.
But I keep doing it, like many others, because if we don’t, then the only thing out there is the feel-good fluff. And that? Is far more frightening than someone calling me a tramp who deserves every second of my pain.
What if you called up the agency and volunteered to speak at the next seminar? Even if they say no (or say no initially) it could open the door to a discourse about showing the true, real faces involved in adoption – might open some eyes to the need. Then again, probably not, eh?
Part of our required education prior to being approved as prospective adoptive parents included reading pieces written by first mothers, and they weren’t all the “poster children birthmothers” that you might suspect we’d be given. Possibly this was because we were working with an independent adoption social worker, not an agency, and she (an amom in two open adoptions herself, as well as the facilitator of a birthparent support group) wanted us to be very clear on ALL of the emotional aspects of adoption, including the fact that it isn’t all sunshine and roses and skipping down the lane holding hands under the rainbow and all that. Some of the pieces she gave us to read brought us to tears. They especially affected me from my own adoptee standpoint, and reinforced our decision for wanting only an open adoption. Our SW really wanted us to have a true, realistic picture of adoption, and we were thankful for that both at the time when we were wearing the rose-colored glasses and later, when things went so horribly wrong and even still today. We were much better prepared because of hearing the truth, dagnabit!
Maybe if the agency doesn’t want you to speak anymore (grrr) there are independent adoption SWs you could hook up with? I know you say you don’t necessarily want to be the one doing the educating and talking, but your voice should be heard by everyone who is considering adoption, from either side of the “fence” as well as by adoptees (like me!) who may not otherwise realize what our own bparents are thinking/feeling.
((hugs)) to you, as always, sweetie!!
My position is that having knowledge of a crime (and adoption in many cases is indeed a crime) and not doing anything to report it, prevent it, or communicate it, makes you an accomplice.
As victims of the crime of adoption, it is our duty to protect future daughters, sisters, sons, from the type of soul rape we have experienced. If we dont, we are as guilty as the evil agencies and those who steal children (ala Evelyn Bennett).
Keep talking Coco. People are listening. Believe it will change. Change it for one person and you have changed it for generations.
Hugs.
“Change it for one person and you have changed it for generations.”
Suz, that is the most inspirational and hopeful and wonderful and TRUE thing I have read in a loooong time. Can I quote you on that?
Coco,
My parents spoke at a couple potential adoptive parent education nights for my agency. Not a lot, just one or two. A few years into the adoption, the agency called my parents to ask them to speak again. By that point I’d started to regret and was in the midst of my deepest angst over the entire thing. Anyway, the agency called, and my mom talked to them. And my mom said, “Well, we’d be willing to come back, but there are some things we think could have been handled better; and we’re only willing to come back if we can be honest about those things and how hard it has been for our daughter.” The agency would not agree to this, and my parents were dis-invited. The agency has never called my parents to speak since that time.
Soooooo…… all that to say…… it is not an accident. My mother is a soft-spoken, diplomatic, head-on-straight, kind, lovely person who does not use strong language (and I don’t just mean swearing, but just–strong, visceral language). She sees shades of gray in everything. She sees everyone’s “side.” She is a counselor, for heaven’s sake… she is in profession and nature all about seeing complexities and not prone to crucifying anyone. I am confident that must have come through in her phone call with the agency; and I am confident she would not have painted the agency to be a villain. She doesn’t see “villains” and “heroes” in anything–she sees people, struggling, sometimes missing the mark, but with good in them. And yet, despite this, the simple request of being allowed to tell the truth meant she was not invited to speak, and never has been invited since.
It is deliberate.
I agree, keep on speaking, talking and writing. The truth is powerful.
Tina
I was going to suggest the same thing as the first commenter…that you call and vounteer and see what happens.
My agency was “smart” in retrospect. They videotaped a birthmother who said “all the right things”, and probably had her sign them the rights to it so they could use it in perpetuity regardless of if she developed different feelings over time.
Rest assured, for every set of aparents that don’t want to hear your story, there are some who do, and not just the happy parts but the whole thing. I value your voice and honesty.
OMG mama2roo. That’s yucky. (The videotaping.)
Coco, do any agencies read your blog?
Call me paranoid but I’m worried about some of them getting the idea of videotaping more new n-moms now……
Hugs Coco!
I think it is hard for people to understand that adoption is not all sunshine and kittens. Indeed, the need for adoption rises out of something negative in someone’s life.
I was asked to speak to foster parents during training. I told them bluntly that I would be honest about the system, faults with the county and all. The worker was fine with that which surprised me.
Heather, I’m always encouraged when I hear stories of people out there who ARE doing the right things, the ethical things, and presenting more than the stardust and rainbows material about adoption. Knowledge is power, not just for expectant parents, but for hopeful adoptive parents as well.
It does a great disservice to adoptive parents to fill them full of fluffy propaganda and then have them get hit with a ton of emotional bricks when their child’s first mom is crying at every visit, for example, and they’re totally unsure how to handle it, so, lacking any foreknowledge of the potential for lasting grief, they can easily panic.
Suz – Thank you for the encouragement. Really. Some days I wonder why I bother, but this is why. If one woman decides to follow her heart and parent, I consider that a giant success.
Nic – I’m so not surprised to hear about the treatment your parents received at the hands of your agency, since they appear to be one of the biggest suppressors of anything they don’t want to hear. To be fair, my agency does seem to be somewhat more progressive than many of the cheerleaders or shysters I’ve found/heard about online…but so much of their thinking is still in line with the whole win-win-win philosophy that I feel is dangerously outdated. Out of curiosity, I dug out some literature I have from them. In the section titled “Common Adoption Myths”, is the statement that first mothers “have not been shown to have any lasting emotional problems resulting from adoption”, despite any pesky evidence to the contrary, of course.
Sigh.
As far as agencies videotaping first mothers, and any new ones getting the idea from here, well, I’m sorry to say that I feel that whether I were to edit the comment or no (and I do not want to, because I think it is important for Mama2Roo’s perspective as an adoptive mom on such practices to stand), unscrupulous agencies will simply find ways to circumvent the truth, regardless of how it is carried out. There are tapes everywhere; I’ve seen one myself. There are books and so-called studies touting the benefits of adoption and downplaying any challenges. There are mothers who have not come to terms with their grief, and yes, there are those mothers who truly feel that adoption was “the answer”. Unethical “professionals” will continue to seek only those stories that suit their purposes, and if one method of obtaining them is removed, they will simply seek others.
As to whether I will call my agency or not, I’m still mulling that one over. Part of me almost wants to, and to explain what I would like to say, but part of me is simply dreading ever again telling my personal history to a group of people; it is emotionally exhausting to do it in person and takes me days to recover. Part of me is wimpy and conflict-avoidant. Part of me doesn’t want to know, really, because if it turns out to be true, and I am no longer welcome unless I spread the love around, I will feel incredibly betrayed that I put my trust in these people. Those are all my own issues, of course, and the only real way I will ever know is to take the plunge…I’m just not sure I’m ready for it.
OH, I am not asking you to edit Mama2roo’s comment… just wondering if the agencies read your blog. (You know, so that if they do, I can worry about this. Because I must always have something to worry about. LOL.)
As far as you calling your agency… trust your gut, you know? There are plenty of ways to work on counteracting the “sunshine and roses, win-win-win” crap… if speaking at an agency doesn’t sit well with you, well… you ARE working on the issue, just by blogging… and there are plenty of other ways to work on reform, too.
N – I know you weren’t asking me to edit it.
That was my own reaction, like “Wow. Should I edit this (and e-mail M2R and tell her why of course)? I don’t want them to tape any other mom either.” but then I moved on to the rest of my thought process.
So far, I do not seem to be interesting enough to attract any agency visitors anyway, but I’m also pretty lazy about checking my stats.
Ack! Not intending to put any ideas into anyones head!
But alas, they’ve already figured it out.
However, Coco, you’re always welcome to edit as you see fit…
Call up and ask.
My agency asked me to speak last year and while I told almost all of what has happened over the course of then 3 years, I was told I wasn’t real enough and why was I trying to protect the aparents. It wasn’t so much to protect them but to protect me as I would have had a break down then.
Now if given another chance, I would lay it all out there. All of the nastiness and the hurt.
The other first mom that was there had her open adoption pretty much closed on her and she told the paps all about it.