Won’t You Be My Slightly Creepy Neighbor?

I always laugh when Aunt Becky & Lola share the odd and sometimes disturbing search terms people use to find their blogs. Now, I used to get mostly boring things like “need nice things to say to my parents”, so I never shared those with you, because who cares? However, since I started hanging out with Notorious BEX & The Divine Ms. Ebola I have started to write posts about stuff like the time a naked girl knocked on my hotel room door. Apparently, that’s bringing out The Freaky Peepies. Woot!

Since I’m busy being vomited on this week (not on purpose, you perverts – the boy has a stomach virus and no idea that he should aim for a receptacle), I thought I’d share some of my personal favorites from the vault. I find it hilarious that because I have a picture of a coconut crab on my sidebar, I am now, apparently, some sort of coconut crab expert. And I didn’t even have to go to school! Please note that the search terms (indicated by italics) are real, but I’m paraphrasing and editing a bit in some cases to make my Internet Freaks seem more articulate, more amusing, and also to conceal their horrid spelling.

“How can I protect myself against coconut crab attacks?”

Dear Future Zombie Coconut Crab Attack Victim -  The best way to avoid coconut crab attacks is to stay away from where coconut crabs live. To be absolutely sure, eliminate all locales where coconuts are readily available, such as Whole Foods Market and the Miss Hawaiian Tropic Pageant.

In the unlikely event that you’re attacked by a coconut crab on an Alaskan Cruise or in the restroom at the local gas station, your best bet is probably to use a flamethrower, a la Sigourney Weaver in Aliens. Good luck.

Zombie Crab Attack Waiting to Happen

“I found a crab that looks like a big Jesus.”

Dear Sinner – Your crab is not likely to be the real Jesus. Just to be safe, though, I would think twice about making His Crabness into an entree. How awkward would it be if you had to explain the real secret behind your ”Heavenly Crab Salad” at the pearly gates?

“Can coconut crabs be eaten?”

Dear Low On The Food Chain – Well, I’m no Andrew Zimmern, but I suppose anything alive can technically be eaten. Unfortunately for you, I’m going to have to say that it’s far more likely that you will be eaten by the crab, since they’re about 3 feet across. If you do decide to try and put coconut crabs on the menu, check carefully for any resemblance of the crab to Jesus first. See my notes above on why.

“I’m looking for monkey fuckin (sic) a coconut porn.”

Dear PETA’s Most Wanted – Hm. Good luck with that, slick. I’m pretty sure there are no monkeys with coconut fetishes. If you’re looking for plain old-fashioned monkey sex, try the local zoo. I hear monkeys are notoriously unafraid to show off their goodies to onlookers. Kind of like Paris Hilton, only cuter.

“I have to sell my soul to you.”

Dear Missed Your Exit On Life’s Little Freeway - Actually, that’s not really my department. I could verbally demoralize you if it would make you feel better, however. Then you can wash my car.

“I wore a lipstick to seduce him.”

Dear Wasting Good Lipstick – Unless it’s your first date, you’re better off waving the remote control around, honey.

“Your parents warned you about me.”

Dear Hot Blond, Blue-Eyed Bad Boy With A Motorcycle - That is why we ended up drunkenly making out in a parking garage at 2 AM the summer before I went to college. I think. 

“Big butt special”

Dear Next Food Network Star – OK, I couldn’t even edit this one because I think it’s a classic all by itself. Two things:

1. If you find a copy of any menu containing a Big Butt Special, please e-mail me. Because I will immediately go visit that restaurant.

2. I am totally making this into my new blog tag line.

Mommyhood and Life – Now serving the Big Butt Special!

On that note, this episode of Won’t You Be My Slightly Creepy Neighbor is a wrap. Tell me, who’s been finding you lately?