Mommyhood and Life

My second guest star on The Rant Boat (season 1 – DVD deal in the works) is none other than the lovely and talented MummaBoo, who blogs at MummaBoo X 2 and who is, despite her protestations to the contrary, a hilarious and talented writer. Please leave her a comment here, and then go check out her thoughts on things like super mutant sperm, AKA Sea Monkeys. Oh, she’s also super cool and she has two very cute kids. And she calls her hubby by the same nickname I do. I mean, she calls her husband that name, and I call my own husband that same name. Accidentally. I don’t call her husband by the nickname, people. It’s not like it sounds. Really! We’re close and all that, but I’m pretty sure she’d kick my ass if I started referring to her husband by a nickname. Just saying.  

Anyway, without further ado, because she really needs no more introduction than the incoherent one I just provided, here’s MummaBoo in Playing With The Boys!

*Warning and disclaimer: DO NOT read this at work or if you’re eating or drinking. I’m serious. I laughed so hard I had a seizure. Kind of. It was a small seizure. I got better.

Not so very long ago, and not so very far away, Aunt Becky was ruminating on monikers for certain, ahem, body parts, and the garments with which they might be clothed. Alright, alright, she was wondering what other people called banana hammocks, ok? Never dreaming that my smart aleck comment to her query would take on a life of its own, I typed in “Scrote Tote” and clicked “publish”. Apparently, Coco was as amused at my little joke as I was (*ed. note – I was. It is GENIUS.) and followed me over to my blog. And then I followed her right back to hers. As they say, hilarity ensued, minds were met, and a friendship was born. What better topic for my portion of the Rant Cruise than the one that started it all? Without further ado (because there’s been so much ado already), I bring you the Scrote Tote commercial.

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Scene: Exterior – beach near sunset. A beach volleyball tournament is in full swing. Young hardbodies, male and female, in various beach garments are milling about, cheering on their favorite players, chugging sports drinks and scoping out possible partners for the post-tournament barbecue. The camera pans left and comes to rest on Deke, a twenty-something beach volleyball competitor who has been eliminated from the competition. He sits slightly apart from the crowd and it’s clear that he’s experiencing some discomfort. As we watch, he shifts his weight from side to side, while surreptitiously moving an icepack around his nether regions. A small groan escapes his lips as his partner from the tournament, Ace,walks up with a fresh icepack.

Deke: “Dude, I’m sorry about missing that last shot.”

Ace: “Dude, you should be sorry about your nads. They took a beating out there today.”

Deke: “Don’t I know it. Look at those guys. They’ve been at it all day, man. They must have nuts of steel.”

Ace: “Yeah, well, when you’ve got the right equipment, nothing can stop you.”

The camera pans right, toward the volleyball court, where we see the victorious team high-fiving each other as the game ends. As the crowd rushes to congratulate them, we hear the unmistakable voice of everyone’s favorite pitch-guy, Billy Mays, say:

“Guys, have you ever wondered how they do it? How they keep the manly jumble from bouncing around, or worse yet, getting flattened when diving for that save? What keeps the junk from becoming trash? I’ll tell you the secret. It’s not a cup. There’s no room for a cup in a Speedo! It’s not a banana hammock. Not even close. Swinging free only brings the pain. Just ask Deke over there. No, guys, what you want is the Scrote Tote. That’s right, you heard me, the Scrote Tote.

Stay secure in all your activities and give the boys room to breathe while wearing the all-new Scrote Tote! Made from a breathable lycra-cotton mesh, the Scrote Tote will give you the feeling of freedom and the comfort of knowing that your super-sac is super-secure. No more bouncing or bruising. Forget boxers, forget briefs! Forget the hammocks. The Scrote Tote is virtually invisible under a Speedo, or wear it alone! Comes in 4 fashion colors, or have it custom-made to match your pelt. Only $19.95, plus shipping & handling! But, wait! If you order in the next 10 minutes, we’ll send you a 2nd Scrote Tote absolutely free! That’s a $40 value for only $19.95! Call now! Don’t be a Deke! Order your Scrote Tote TODAY!”

End Billy Mays voiceover, begin “legal disclaimer” voiceover: “Customer must provide color sample for pelt-matching. The makers of Scrote Tote are not responsible for indecent exposure arrests that may result from wearing Scrote Tote alone. Scrote Tote cannot be returned if hygienic seal on package has been removed or tampered with.”

As the legal disclaimer continues, (shipping, handling, taxes, blah, blah, blah), we see the victorious team disengaging from the crowd. As they walk past Deke and Ace, they flash a grin and flip a Scrote Tote package in the air towards them. Deke catches it, looks at it, and gives a weak smile before raising his icepack in salute. Fade out.

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Coco and I are willing to meet with investors to get this product on the market. Any takers? *wink*