Yes, I know we covered misogyny somwhat when I debuted this feature, but guess what? On Mad Ave., it’s always hip to hate on bitches!
Ladies, you all know that you’re never, ever going to be as smart as a man, as capaable as a man, or as attractive as any man, especially your husband or boyfriend, feels you ought to be. It’s time to face facts – you suck. But we’re here to help you suck less (except when it counts, wink wink, nudge, nudge, saynomore):
Let’s talk about your coffee choices. Stupid girl, you bought the wrong kind! Time to take your lumps:
That’s right, ladies – get the wrong brand of coffee and WOE BE UNTO YOU. You deserve that beating! You failed to provide the freshest cup ever so YOU FAIL AT LIFE. Don’t even get me started on last night’s meatloaf.
Holy living hell. I mean, Jesus, I know the patriarchy is still alive and well nowadays (Hi, AskMen.com! Also known as AssMen.com!) – but really? Beating one’s wife was once not only considered acceptable advertising for coffee, I’m sure the Real Life Mad Men considered it a very amusing joke. She doesn’t deliver the perfect cuppa joe and I’ll smack her around! Ha ha! Now that’s funny right there! “Say, honey, isn’t this just a hoot? Careful, I might spank you if my toast gets burned one morning! Ha ha!” And any humorless dried up old maid who didn’t titter along was just No! Fun! At! All! No wonder she’s here alone.
Once you finally get the coffee right and shoo your devoted mate out the door (rubbing your bruises, ostensibly), goodness knows a girl’s work is never done:
It’s time to prove you’re not a scatterbrain by showing off your whitest whites! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Don’t you WANT to be “his kind of girl”?
Then it’s time to have a light breakfast and clean up around the rest of the house:
Yes, girls, it’s true – The harder a wife works, the cuter she looks! Because remember, your job is to always appear attractive, desirable, and roughly 18 years old, but not slutty. No, you need to be slutty and wholesome. And a good housecleaner. And relentlessly cheerful. THIS CEREAL CAN DO ALL THAT FOR YOU! It’s your duty! Look at poor Mr. Jones – all tuckered out at closing time! YOU HAVE TO BE HAPPY, DAMN YOU!
Keeping that in mind, PMS is never an excuse not to be at your Stepford Best!
DON’T DRIVE YOUR MAN AWAY WITH YOUR STUPID PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ILLS! Midol can help! It’s your job to “be the you he likes”! Screw what you need – LOVE MEANS NEVER SAYING I’M BLEEDING, CRAMPING, AND PISSED. Remember, if you aren’t perfect in every way, it’s his right to leave you at any time, missy.
Oh, there are more, so much more, but after this post, I really think I need a Nembutal suppository. Cheers, Internet – and never forget that coffee is JUST THAT IMPORTANT.
Uh, if not making womanly compaints will land me a dream boat like that – complete with patchwork shirt and gold chain – then I have learned my lesson! What a….stud?
Yeah, I’ll pass.
The Technicolor Dreamcoat shirt is a MAJOR turn on, no?
I was thinking the same thing as thanksgivingmom. That guy is totally NOT hot at all.
I’m a little perturbed by the rest of the adds. I really had no idea such things used to be funny to people. How demented. I wonder if I had been born then what I really would have thought about it. Do you think people will look back at our commercials and think, boy this is stupid? Actually, scratch that, I think that about many commercials now a days. But at least they aren’t spanking women.
Sorry, that was a little long.
I suspect the Enzyte commercials will live on in infamy for eternity. “Natural Male Enhancement!” Oh Good God.
Where do you get this stuff? Am I supposed to think that guy with the plaid shirt is cute? Cause…well I don’t….
C’mon Moonspun – you don’t think the Shawn Cassidy hair, the plaid shirt from hell and the medallion are smokin’ hot?
So is that the guy or is it “her”?
I somehow keep losing your link dangit. My computer hates me.
Mine too! It melted. Of course my son peed in it, so that could be why.
And they say feminism is bad.
I’m trying to think about my grandma and great-grandma not being pissed off about these ads and fail. There hasn’t been a meek woman in my family in generations.
It’s extremely disturbing, isn’t it? Yet bizarrely amusing. And yet how much better are the ads now? Still have the detergent ads full of dippy half-wits, oohing over bleach alternatives.
Let’s take these in order:
Coffee: Around here, if hubby doesn’t prep mine perfectly, he’s the one who gets spanked. As it should be.
Surf: Boiling whites? Bite me. The only thing that gets boiled around here is water. For MY coffee.
PEP: She’s thinking “Have I had enough vitamins to shove this feather-duster up his sanctimonious ass? Yes, yes I have. Bend over, Derwood.”
Midol: Oh hold me back. I need to run right out and get hubby one of those shirts. Blech. Midol-boy looks like he could use it – he’s got cramps – just look at his expression!
Dave beats me stupid when I don’t get the right coffee. It’s hot.
Well, all I know is the harder my husband works, the cuter he looks
Is that sisogyny?
As always, these ads are hilarious and frightening all at the same time. What’s even scarier — and not funny — is that there are still women out there buying this and men selling it.