This week I’m in a hurry and frantic, trying to find new child care. Again. Badger didn’t physically attack anyone in his last situation, but he did wear out Ms. C and she was very kind, but also very final. No more Badger for her.
Sadly, the quality of care in at-home situations varies WILDLY. Two homes I visited stunk. One of diapers and one of cats. The Cat House was also FILTHY – not garden variety, kids are here all day cluttered, but deep-down disgusting. I stripped off our clothes the second we got home, and oh, hey, home childcare provider lady with the cats? When you make an appointment you might want to write it down. Also? You might want to put on a bra. Finally, you might want to CLEAN YOUR FUCKING CARPETS and GET RID OF THE SMELL OF CAT PISS. Just some suggestions. I absolutely cannot believe this person was 1. licensed and 2. that other parents actually thought to themselves “Yes! This is the place I want my kid to spend their days. Awesome!”
Finally, I found what I thought was the perfect situation. A mom answered my ad who had a child with special needs. He was in school, in a special program, and she would take care of Badger. She had experience. So for two weeks it seemed to go OK. Badger liked the family. He played with the kids. I felt hopeful.
Yesterday, I showed up to drop him off and she just wasn’t home. I thought some emergency had happened. I was worried.
Thank GOD for the old center – who took Badger in this week – he’s doing fine, and is enjoying the special visit with his old teachers and the little boy who attached to him before we, um, decided to withdraw.
As it turns out, there was no emergency. I had been broken up with by e-mail. Badger had punched one of her children, and she didn’t feel comfortable taking care of him. She felt bad. She was sorry for taking the e-mail route instead of talking to me.
Fair enough.
But please don’t tell me you called me several times and texted me. Because you didn’t. Hey, I hate conflict as much as the next girl. I understand if you don’t want to carry on. But this is my kid we’re talking about and he likes you and he cried when you weren’t home and I was STUCK. You can suck it up and really call me. Hell, I almost never answer my phone anyway; there was a good chance you’d get my voice mail.
I mean seriously, what did you think I was going to do? Slash your tires? Egg your house? No.
I answered her politely and told her I was sorry about the punching, and I understood, I just would have appreciated knowing about it before 7AM Monday morning. I thanked her for referring us to the program where Badger will be getting evaluated next week, because that is truly helpful.
So, on to plan…what plan are we on again? Plan Q?
I just don’t know what to do anymore. My longed-for son is so angry and so hurt and I don’t want him to hurt other kids; I want him to be happy and kind and get invited to birthday parties. Then I feel like crap for sometimes wishing he was just NORMAL and the sound and sight of other children didn’t seem to drive him to violence. I feel bewildered because I have no idea what could be causing this anger inside that little soul. We don’t hit, my husband and I never even yell at each other, he doesn’t get to play violent games or watch violent TV.
Options have slipped through my fingers like shiny buttons and I’m scared. I am out of local care options, I can’t afford a nanny, I can’t quit my job because the fucking economy has sucked us dry, and we need my health benefits because the broken fucking health care system that so many conservative politicians and talk show hosts insist is working pretty well has priced my husband’s gasping company right out of being able to afford any benefits.
I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I feel like death warmed over and then torched. My face is broken out like a teenager’s. I have constant heartburn.
My mother is coming into town and I know she wants to see Badger, and she means well, but I have absolutely no stomach for chipper shopping trips and parenting assvice right now. I’m almost out of time off because of the constant struggles over daycare, and I just can’t take one more thing.
Therefore, my cat’s kidneys are failing again. She’s dying. And again, because of the economy, we have to choose between the mortgage and the cat, and I can’t stand it because she has to lose this one.
Oh, and no, no, my mother can’t help with care for Badger while she’s here because she is on vacation and she has plans. That must be nice, my inner little voice hisses viciously. Then I feel like crap again because she is on vacation and it’s not her job to solve my problems but damn it, I am falling apart here and I just don’t have the emotional energy in me to give a shit about whether or not she’s excited to meet my brother’s new girlfriend and herkids. And I know she’ll insist on giving me pictures of them. Which will probably be the thing that drives me over the edge and I’ll say something totally unneccessary in my Cold Mean Voice like “You do realize my brother and I have spoken exactly twice in ten years, and I don’t know his girlfriend from a hole in the ground? So why would you make me a picture CD of them?”
If you’ve read this far into my self-absorbed little rant, thank you, and I’m sorry. If you know me, then you know I just needed to get that out and tomorrow I’ll feel better, and I love my son more than I love breathing and Clive Owen and Target and chocolate combined, and I will be pleasant and cheerful to my mom and I will soldier on because that is what I do.
If you don’t know me and you stumbled here because you did a search for Clive Owen and now you feel the need to self-righteously point out that I am whining and there are people out there who have it So Much Worse – like people with NO FEET (copyright, Aunt Becky) – then please just crawl back into your sanctimonious joyfulness fog and piss off.
I’m so not in the mood for a troll lecture right about now.
I’m sorry for all your troubles. You have a heavy load. I can certainly sympathize with multiple stresses at the same time and the feeling of very little support and just having to keep going even though you want to just run away and hide for a while. I hope you can resolve the child care issue. I’m sure you’ve already done this, but if not, are there any child care resources through the county or intermediate school district? Give your poor kitty lots of hugs and kisses. It sucks when the pets get sick. The cost of care is outrageous.
Thanks, MZ. This program is actually offered through the school district. It will be great if he gets in, but I still need before and after care, so I’m still kind of stuck.
Sigh.
And my poor cat. I feel so bad.
(((Coco)))
That is a lot to deal with and sometimes a good vent is the best way to deal with all the crap that seems to rain from the sky all at the same time.
I hope that you get somewhere with the evaluation for Badger, and hopefully get you pointed in the direction of some resources.
Thanks, Erin.
Something’s gotta give, you know?
Coco – if it makes you feel any better, I’m writing an even more selfish and more whiny rant. About something much less important than finding good childcare!! (((((hugs)))))as you deal with ALL of this. Any one thing would be enough to inspire a rant (we all need to sometimes!) but all of it together? You’re right – it’s too much. I’m sorry you’ve got to deal with this all.
It must be Ranting Day.
I wish I had just the resources to deal with ONE of these things.
I’ll save my rant for tomorrow
And I wish I had some suggestion to help you deal with one of these! (((But all I’ve got are hugs for now)))
I’m a feetless home daycare provider on vacation with your mom and I am very offended by this post. Do you know what it’s like to be me?
OK, maybe not. Coco, I am so sorry – I wish I could take a week long vacation and come out to Vegas and watch him for you, or that you lived in Minnesota and could drop him off over here. I wish I could become a vet and wave my medical wand and help out your kitty. But most of all I wish I could take something – anything – off your shoulders so it wasn’t so overwhelming.
It sounds stupid, but if there is anything I can do, you know where to find me.
Oh, God. Thank you SO MUCH for making me laugh today. I so needed it.
Oh Coco, I’m so fucking sorry. I wish I lived closer, you know I’d take Badger in in a heartbeat. I’m so sorry you’re at the end of your rope and I wish that I could help. Shit, man, I’m so sorry.
I know you would, Becks. Just like I would for you. You are awesome.
Coco, I am happy to read your rants. Ok, well not happy because they make me upset that you feel overwhelmed and shitty….but I am more than willing to read anything you need to write or vent about. Because isn’t that what we do here in blogland?
I am sure Badger will find the right place somewhere even if it seems like now that will never happen. Maybe you can give him the CD of pics from your mom and see what he does with it!
Sending you love from Vermont….
You’re my inspiration. Badger will be receiving a new Frisbee very soon.
Ugh, that sucks! I would totally offer childcare help for a small donation, if we were closer.
And if the kid wants to punch, I would send him to the backyard with some boxing gloves and a punching bag. Or, I could go Miagi style and have him paint the fence and wax the car. Wax on…Wax off.
I would even put a bra on for you Ms. Coco!
I’m now picturing Badger standing on one leg with his arms in the air. Ha.
Feeling frustrated at the distance that makes me unable to offer real, actual help or just to be able to hand you a stiff drink and a brownie sundae.
And I have no place to whine here, as I still have both my hobbity, rhinoceros-hooved feet firmly attached.
I’m so, so sorry Bean is going through this difficult time, and I feel for you. I remember what it was like to be the parent of a small child who was being judged and labeled and who was frustrated and trying as hard as possible to be “good” and the whole kit and kaboodle. I wish I could make it all better, and you know how to find me if you need anything – I’m here for you!
As for your kitty, that is total suckitude. Are there any homeopathic (and therefore much less expensive) things you can try? I’ve got a friend who is a vet tech and into alternative/new-agey kind of stuff; I’ll ask her and let you know. FWIW…
As for your mother, well, if she tries to give you *any* grief at all, you just give me the sign and I’m all over her like white on rice. Or Hershey’s syrup on ice cream. Or salt on a margarita glass rim. She’d better not mess with my Coco! (Also, you know I feel your pain there, too…. from the kid of one crazy mother to another.
)
Bleargh. I hate not being able to actually help. (((hugs))) Wanna plan our trip to NYC to see Hugh and Dan? It’ll only cost a small fortune for tickets, but Bean and Kiddo didn’t really want to go to college someday anyhow, did they? I mean, priorities, woman, priorities!
You do more than you know just be offering an…ear? shoulder? whatever the virtual name for it is.
The cat is actually a little better today. I’m pumping her full of IV fluids (I can totally kick Katherine Heigl’s butt at it now) to keep her hydrated and giving her antacids (yes, you heard that right, GAVISCON) to try and get her body back in gear. Last night she ate a little food and she was drinking water this morning. I don’t know. At least she’s not in pain.
Okay–totally not self-absorbed. You’re hurting for your son and for your cat. I HATE that you and Badger have to go through this all, and my heart hurts.
I was getting totally too personal with my GYN this afternoon, asking her who does her daycare. She says she lists with the local university for ed students who need jobs and has 3 who she has hired and who come to her house to watch her kiddo and it works out divinely. Do YOU have a university nearby? I know its not a quick idea, but it is an idea that eliminates him being overstimulated by other kiddos.
Sending you great big hugs and some spiked apple cider (it IS fall, now, right?)
oh, and sorry if I offered unsolicited assvice…nto my intent. Disregard and flip me the bird if you want.
No, see, that? Was helpful.
The kind of assvice my mom doles out usually consists of gems such as “I knew letting him sleep in your bed would cause problems!” and “Have you thought about talking to his pediatrician?” and “You just need to be firm with him! You spoil him!”
You know. That kind of gritted-teeth-inducing, yes-waiter-I’ll-positively-absolutely-have-six-more-margaritas-stat wisdom.
Oh, Coco, I’m so sorry! That’s just too much all at once. I wish there was something I could do. You really deserve a break, and I hope it comes today!!!
Thanks, Lola. Just having you guys listen to my ranting and comfort me helps a LOT.
But I wouldn’t turn down winning the lottery or having Mary Poppins fly in.
Oh, fuck.
I am not reading blogs much right now, but I’m glad I came here tonight so I can say, “Oh, fuck.”
I am so, so, so, so sorry this is going on. babe. I wish I had an answer for you.
“Oh, fuck” about sums it up, huh?
I appreciate your dropping in, Em. I know you’ve got a full plate right now.
{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} my friend! I wish I could help too, but I am hear to listen so vent away!!!
Sniff. Thanks Andy.
Sending big BIG ((HUGS)) your way. I hope things get better real soon.
okay so that last comment was me- I didn’t realize I was logged in as my husband.
I, not HE, is sending you BIG BIG ((HUGS)) and lots of hope that things will get better very very soon!
I’ll take all the hugs I can get, Jess.
Shit. And many other naughty words that can’t adequately express how sucky this must be for you. I wish with all my heart that there was something more I could do for you besides listen and send you virtual hugs. ((((((HUGS)))))
I’ve said reams of nasty words. If nasty words were dollars my problems would be solved. Wait…is there a new invention in our future? The CTM – the Curse Teller Machine!
Thanks for the hugs, my friend.
Fuck yeah! Hey, that’s worth at least a $100, in my book.
Mel’s probably useless but well-meant attempts to help:
1. co-sleeping produces happy confident kids. Badger would be WAY more aggressive without it. All behavioral issues are genetically inherited from the maternal grandmother. (you read it on the internet, so it MUST be true!!) Tell your mom *I* said so. (2 kids makes me an expert at everything… right? right?)
2. is there any chance you and hubby could shift your hours (even temporarily) so one covers before school and the other covers after?
3. Poor kitty… I lost one to kidney failure many years ago too. I am sorry.
4. I remember child care hunting when we moved to a large city. One lady had a nice enough house, but her pride and joy was her movie room. Yep… a WHOLE ROOM of kids’ movies. Walls covered with shelves full of movies. Gee… wonder what the kids DO all day with her? Wish I had something more useful to say.
5. Have you asked Badger what he thinks will happen as a result of getting angry with the other kids? I have a 6yo son (which makes me an “expert”, see point #1) and sometimes when he does stuff that is just off the wall, he has an idea in his head about the results that are not very realistic, but he is determined in his belief! He is not generally aggressive, but I could *totally* see him deciding that if I a) hit another kid then b) mommy will have to stay home with me. Even though he ADORED his sitter, this would make perfect sense in his little world.
virtual hugs and a tall glass of whatever helps you get through the day.
Mel! You de-lurked.
This will be the mantra that gets me through my mother’s visit.
That and Chardonnay.
oh ya… HI!!! LOL (I can never remember where I have commented before or not!)
So sorry, Coco. What a ton of shit. Wish I had something more constructive to offer and sending you my best karma.
Oh, and hey, wanna a picture CD of my cousin’s kids who I never met? Cause I have one here on my desk with your name on it.
Why not? I’ll give it to my mom. She’ll be thrilled.
There are several books available on how to become a one income family. Obviously, I’m not privy to your income, expenditures, and other variables, and one income won’t work for some families. But, if you really research it, and come to terms with living on less, and what you might have to give up, maybe you’ll find a way to do it. For now. Who knows, he may improve with time. Maybe you’ll find some answers to why he’s doing this from his evaluation. And then you could go back to work. It would take a lot of effort, but if your husband is supportive, and you are willing to do the extra leg work of finding ways to pinch every penny, you could do it.
Or as Mel suggested, switching to a different shift could help. Or cutting back your hours. I know jobs are still hard to come by these days, but even if you had to take less money per hour, you might be able to read some books, utilize some websites, etc and be able to live on a smaller salary if you can’t quit working completely.
I can understand maybe why she didn’t want to talk to you in person. Not that I’m excusing it, but a friend of mine used to provide in home daycare, and the last time she told a parent she couldn’t babysit their sons anymore, the mother went ballistic. Them tried to keep her last paycheck from her, when she did give it to her it was all dirty and scrunched up. She harrassed her by text message. My friend was kind enough to give her two weeks notice, which the woman begged for an extension. My friend agreed, and then the woman didn’t bring her kids back after the first week, to screw her out of money. And I wish I could say that was an unusual experience. She’s had problems like this before. I’m not saying YOU would behave like that, but some people do, and you never know how somebody is going to react when you tell them something they don’t want to hear.
Good luck, Coco.
Thanks, Auntie J. I wouldn’t mind doing with less; the real issue for us is the health insurance. My husband has several medical conditions, and we can’t NOT have insurance or the medical costs alone would mean we had to pick eating or meds. It just sucks, you know?
As for the daycare sitch, I totally understood about her not feeling like she could talk to me in person. What got me a little upset was 1. I got a single e-mail on a weekend, basically telling me “good luck for Monday” and 2. after I showed up to drop my son off, and it was obvious I had no clue, she then claimed to have tried calling/texting me several times. I get that some people act like whackos. *shrug* I guess I was just stung, more than anything, to be dropped like that. My son DID really, really like their whole family. I’m sure that wasn’t much comfort to them, because of the other problems, but it meant something to me and Badger.
It’s just really hard to be told time and time again that my son isn’t “good” enough.
I hope I can get some help.
Oh honey! Nothing I can say will make this better but I hope you felt some relief just putting it out there. Sending positive thoughts your way and hopes for better tomorrows.
I know I’m a day late and a dollar short but *hug* That sucks. Life sucks sometimes. And we all wish our kids were normal. And we all wish we had a little more help. And what the hell is up with the childcare provider not even talking to you? Hell, I would have told you when you picked up Badger because that is the kind of thing you need to know. I mean the punching and then the quitting. So *hug*